It all started for me when my husband and I decided to try for a second baby. By the time the second baby would be born, my first son would be two and a half years old. Perfect!
We fell pregnant straight away. I was stoked. Everything was going the way I had planned. What I didn’t plan for was the change in my hormones. I started to feel sad all the time. What I didn’t plan for was the guilt I began to feel for my son. He wouldn’t be my baby anymore. He wouldn’t be my one and only. Everything would change with a second child. Was I ready for that? What if my son felt left out? The emotions and guilt were real. I tried to talk myself out of feeling that way. I said to myself that my feelings were due to the hormones at the beginning of pregnancy. After three months, things will calm down. My son won’t be left out, etc.
What I tried to do was all in my control. Instead of addressing my problems with the truth, God’s truth for my life, I let my thoughts become the truth. When I reached seven weeks into the pregnancy, I started to bleed, but I was not concerned. I felt nothing. My husband took me to the emergency room. Other women were pregnant and in the process of miscarrying, and they were emotional and crying. Why didn’t I feel like that? I felt numb.
When the doctor saw me, she told me that I was in the process of a miscarriage. She was very apologetic. But I did not feel sorry. Instead, I felt relief—relief atbeing out of my misery. I was focused on my feelings rather than what was actually happening.
The next day it hit me. I felt like I had caused the miscarriage with my thoughts. Because I did not love this little baby enough and did not want to be pregnant, I caused the miscarriage. I remember dropping my son off at my in-laws because I could not let him watch his mother be so broken. I went home, laid in bed and cried.
I cried, and I repented. ‘I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry I caused this. It’s all my fault.’ And while crying and repenting, I felt peace, as if everything was going to be okay. But I didn’t want to feel at peace, because I felt that it was my fault and that I needed to be punished. So, I said, ‘God, I’m so sorry I caused this pain. I’m so broken’.
And I remember hearing, ‘You are not broken. You are beautifully put together’. Of course, this made me cry more, but it also started the healing process. I accepted the Lord’s peace. Then there was a knock on my door from an unexpected visitor.
My brother lives six hours away, but he came through to see how I was going. God sent the right person to get me out of bed and gave him all the right words to say. My brother is a man of few words. He does not show emotions. But when he came in, it was like God had used him to comfort me and say what I needed to hear.
‘It’s not your fault. Rosanne. You couldn’t have caused this. This was out of your hands. God has already blessed you with a little boy. He will bless you with more.’
Well, from then on, I was able to move on with peace: God’s peace. I didn’t feel ready for another baby. My body was still healing, and I felt like I needed to work on my thoughts with God. I say that, but I fell pregnant again three months later. It was unplanned. I felt like I still wasn’t ready, but I tried to see it as a good thing. When I got to six weeks, the emotions started again, but this time it was worse. I felt horrible. I could not stop crying, and I felt depressed all the time. I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. The guilt for my son felt even worse because I couldn’t function to be a great Mama for him. My husband tried Googling my symptoms, and he told me I had prenatal depression. I got so angry with him. I told him not to label me or speak those words about my life. I felt like I was spiralling down fast. I cried out to God, and a scripture came to me quickly.
It was Psalm 118:5 NIV:
In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.
I knew God had spoken to me. I knew he was helping me, but I was so caught up in my emotions. Why couldn’t I enjoy this pregnancy?
I was too focused on myself and not on God.
The next day I woke up bleeding. The obstetrician got me in right away. When she did the ultrasound, I was supposed to be almost seven weeks pregnant, but the baby was only three to four weeks in size. The baby was no longer growing. I cried and cried in front of the obstetrician and my son.
How can this happen again? Am I the cause? Is it my thoughts? Could the baby feel that I wasn’t ready for another baby? Over the next three weeks, things weretough. I turned my face away from Christ in shame and guilt. This time I bled for longer. It was more emotional, more heartbreaking. Finally, I broke and cried out to God, ‘where were you when I needed you? You left me broken. Where were you?’
Then I heard God say, ‘I was there from the beginning to the end, but you were too focused on your situation. The reason why you were so emotional was that you were already mourning for the baby without even knowing. You didn’t trust me. You trusted your fears’.
Then I heard Isaiah 61:3:
I have given you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
After that, I felt God’s peace.
Peace to move on. Peace to speak freely about it with other women. Peace to know that I am truly forgiven. Peace when things don’t make sense.
In my experience, I learned that God never left me. He never let me down. All I had to do was let my guard down and let him in. He was already in control.